Sometimes

AXXD6258Sometimes I find it hard to “do life”.

Sometimes I eat when I’m not hungry to make myself feel better.

Sometimes I don’t go out for a walk because I don’t want to get fresh air and feel good about myself.

Sometimes I watch a lot of TV to make myself relax and forget about my own life.

Sometimes I buy myself new things to try to cheer myself up.

Sometimes I try to use the crappy weather as an excuse to feel awful.

Sometimes I block everyone out because I don’t want them to see me like this.

Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes. I could go on. When I am miserable, I like to treat myself badly to give myself a reason to be miserable. I like to use material things to try to fill the gaping hole where my happiness and joy should be. I like to read my Bible and make myself feel absolutely terrible about myself because I have neglected my faith. Sometimes my faith is the only thing that keeps me going. Because it doesn’t matter that I am suffocating in a pit of self-loathing. It doesn’t matter that I ate too much. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t get any exercise. It doesn’t matter that I watched too much TV or bought new and pointless things, or made excuses about my behavior. It doesn’t even matter that I push my friends and family away. What does matter is that God is right next to me during all of that. What matters is that I feel Him holding my hand as I sink into my bad day. I feel Him there as I make myself more miserable. And importantly I feel Him there, encouraging me as I slowly get out of my depression, no matter if it lasted 1 day, or 6 months. HE IS THERE. He is my most faithful friend, my most loyal companion, and my God. He is the person who gave up His Son’s life for me, and loves me through my pain. He gave up His most precious and only son for me because He loves me that much.

Sometimes I think about how hopeless I would feel without the knowledge that God is there through all of that. No matter how completely and utterly broken I have felt, never once have I felt like He abandoned me. Never once have I felt all alone. Never once has He given me reason to doubt His presence.  All it takes is for me to pause for a second to feel encouraged by this unconditional loves.

NEVER WILL I LEAVE YOU; NEVER WILL I FORSAKE YOU.

Hebrews 13:5

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